The Cost

In every relationship we have what we call boundaries. Unspoken rules of every person we allow to enter our life. Each person has different boundaries. I think when relationships, friendships, and family relationships are formed those boundaries are automatically written. Depending upon the structure of the relationships and the different personalities that is where we begin to weigh in what we allow from those persons. It can be agreed that in some cases we have to verbally set boundaries. Sometimes we have older friends that we knew before we became romantically involved, or the in-laws need boundaries verbally spoken after a wedding or birth. But what happens after we set these boundaries, and they are continuously broken? What if a boundary of our spouse is crossed repeatedly by one of those friends we knew prior, or an in-law? How long does it continue before something is said, or that relationship is terminated? I’m a firm believer that everyone has a voice and can speak on their own accord. But in extreme cases sometimes our spouse needs to clearly step in, and have one another’s back. Once in a relationship, especially a marriage the dynamics change. It’s no longer about yourself, it becomes about each other. There will be times where the extended family wont get along with us, or our older friends don’t necessarily care for our spouse. That’s fine, as long as, there is mutual respect on both parties. What can not be tolerated is when that respect deteriorates because someone on the outside has no respect for our relationship or household. If it’s a continuous pissing contest where the outsider test boundaries constantly, and your partner is voicing their discomfort don’t put them on the back burner. THIS will only cause new problems. If you don’t stand up for your spouse you’re sending a clear message to the outsider that it is ok to cross whatever boundaries they would like and that they do not need to respect your spouse or household. This also sends a message to your spouse that you don’t respect them either, that you find their boundaries to be not important and it shows them you just don’t care.

Sometimes voicing your concerns or setting boundaries can end certain relationships. If certain boundaries have been crossed it may be healthier for those relationships to be terminated. I’m a firm believer in loving certain people from a distance because no matter what they will never accept your life choices, nor be happy for you. These people are toxic. We’ve all hadĀ our experiences with toxic relationships. Some more than others. What happens if you have a person in your life and they spew their toxicity towards your spouse? Or children? Do you stand by idle and allow that behavior? If you do it’s only hurting the ones you live with. It will leave your spouse or child feeling like they are less than the person on the outside. especially if you never had their back on any issue they brought to you. Nobody can tell anyone who they can be friends with or speak to daily. There’s a difference between cutting ties because you’re in a controlling relationship and your spouse wants to choose your friends. If that’s the case then your spouse is obviously toxic and it would be best to seek counseling. But if your spouse voices their discomfort to you about someone in your life who has hurt them beyond repair, you should listen. Allowing yourself to continue a relationship with the person, on the context that it’s not your spouses friendship or relationship is hurtful to only one person (your spouse). Why would you want to hurt them? Why is it important to carry on a relationship with someone you know has crossed a line within your household that can’t be repaired? Choosing a toxic person over your spouse or children leaves room for your personal relationships to slowly come apart. Your spouse or child may be left to feel insecure in their personal relationship with you. Is it really worth the cost?

In my own personal life, I would never want to put my spouse through this or my children. These are the only relationships that out weigh everything to me. My respect for my wife would never allow to continue a friendship or relationship with someone who disrespected her or only had negative feedback when it comes to her. My children came from my body and they are my top priority. There would never be someone in my life that would want to hurt them, talk badly about them, or disrespect them. Whatever issues are inside my own family household our mine to deal with and if my family and friends can’t give constructive criticism and show love to the people I hold dearest to me, than they have no place in my life. My boundaries are clear on certain things and if they aren’t I have no problem voicing them. I personally would never want my wife to think I would choose someone on the outside over her. I would never want her to feel as though her feelings on certain issues areĀ unimportant to me. My goal in my own marriage and household is to surround our family with people who love US, who want the best for US, who stand by US. It stopped being ME the day I gave birth and the day I said I do. There has been instances where people were eliminated from my life because they did not respect me, my wife, my kids, and they were not happy for me. They were full of drama and their only goal was to cause chaos within my house. I have chosen to live my life peacefully and with love. There is no room for anything else. If we are to continue a healthy household we need to find a balance of what is accepted, what will be tolerated, and what needs to go. Do not leave your marriage, or household to be picked apart or left vulnerable. The only way to succeed at a lifetime together is to have common values, and ideas.

Advertisements

Dating and Marriage

I remember my wife continuously asking me if I was sure I wanted to marry her. My response was of course. I love her beyond anything in this world. With that said I did tell her that I never wanted to lose what brought us together to begin with. The first three months of our initial relationship was spent talking on the phone. Not just an hour or two here, I’m talking every waking minute of our day was spent talking, texting, or facebooking each other somehow. Our relationship was built on a foundation of friendship that I have never experienced before. The communication between us is what I personally thrived on. I felt like this woman understood me like no one else in my life ever has. We bonded over secrets that only we knew about each other, cried over our losses and failures as human beings. She would become my first lesbian lover. She ultimately would be my first everything. Once she made the trip to Maryland where our relationship began, she made it a point to make sure I experienced everything about being in a lesbian relationship, as well as being a young mom in my 20’s. Robin was ultimately the first relationship that I had where the person actually wanted to date me. Nothing compares to the feeling of getting a dressed up and having the love of your life look at you like you’re the most amazing person they ever laid eyes on. It didn’t matter where we went because we were always the star of the show. Our adult outings at the bar always entailed singing and dancing. Dinner dates were about finding a restaurant or diner neither of us have been. Lunch dates were usually Sunday afternoon trips. There was a point in our lives where we worked third shift and every once in a while we went day drinking. There’s nothing like drinking a two or three pictures of margarita’s at 10am, at the local Mexican restaurant. If I’m honest these were my favorite times. I think the honesty and commitment came out during these times. It was a refresher on who we were individually and as a couple.

This brings me to my point why stop because of marriage?!! Shouldn’t being married make it more of a point to make sure you stay dating your spouse. Let’s face it life happens. Between kids, house work, jobs, and every other stress that comes your way, shouldn’t slowing down and reinforcing your friendship and need for one another become a priority. Without your spouse would the life your living be where it’s at this day? I love seeing older couples out and about. Holding hands and just enjoying each other’s time and self. Soaking up all the love and commitment they have for one and another. Those are the couples who get it. They learned there will be trials, and tribulations. They also learned that they would never succeed through those areas with out each other. In the hard times of life take your partner’s hand and make sure you reiterate what made you the couple that you are. Go out and experiencing the love that sometimes gets placed on the back burner because of life. Someone who loves you will never make excuses but they will always find the time for you. They will care about your needs as their partner. As you should with them. Spending too much time living your lives together in the mundane routine will only cause resentments and insecurities. There are too many things in life to do, even if you don’t have the financial resources to always go somewhere. It’s as simple as being creative and devoting time to each other. We as women especially need this. Being in a lesbian relationship I firmly believe it’s just imperative. We’re emotional creatures, and for the most part we need to feel that bonding and need from our partner.